hello my name is… by ingridfnl

17 Jan

Lindsay crawled into bed and snuggled against her husband who sighed contentedly.

Lindsay breathed in quickly, “Honey… I want to talk to you about something.”

He patted her hand which cradled his slightly rounded belly, “mmmhmmm.”

“Well, honey… we’ve been married for about twelve years now.”

“I know, babe. I love you. We’ll do something special.”

She looked at the small curls at the nape of his neck and was terrified that she would break his heart. She’d wanted to broach this subject for the last five years now. But after the past couple of years, the whole leggings, rehab and lesbian lover thing,  she knew now was the time.

“Honey, here’s the thing,” she blurted, “I want to go back to my maiden name.”

“What?” he replied rolling over, “what are you talking about? Is it that Lohan thing again? You should look at it as a compliment. For god’s sake…”

“Honey, I know you don’t think this is serious, but I …” and Lindsay, “but I’ve lost my authority.” She leaned against her elbow and looked down at him pleadingly frustrated by his small grin.

“Your authority?” he asked.

“You’re not helping,” she insisted, swatting him.

She knew that John would never understand. He thought that the “obsession” with celebrity culture and particularly Ms. Lohan was ridiculous and a total waste of time. She thought he was out of touch with things that affected their daily lives. Well, at least her daily life.

Her job at Walmart had been ok when she was a cashier. Her name tag was labeled ‘Lindsay’ — just Lindsay. It was fine then…  But since she’d become the manager of the store she was now subject to the snorting jokes of  employees who used her name as a source of mockery in the staff lounge.

It came to a head the day before after she’d whacked her face on a ladder and her lips had swollen beyond reason. It was the very same day Lindsay Lohan’s face appeared on the cover of People magazine with the heading, “Lindsay’s lips bust out: has she gone too far?” This was taped to the staff room bulletin board with a little post-it attached, which said, “Remind you of anyone?”

That day, Lindsay (the non-paparazzi hounded Lindsay) walked into the staff room, an icebag on her lips  and there was the chuckling semi-silence of restrained laughter. As she went into her office she heard someone say, “I wonder if we should buy her some leather-look leggings.” Lindsay herself knew that she would look like a balloon animal in shiny leggings and didn’t even blame her staff for the ten minutes of hysterical tear-jerking laughter that exploded out of the staff room behind her.

“I love you, but I’m serious,” she insisted. He snorted and rolled over away from her. She flopped back onto her pillow, sighed and considered hair extensions, a drug habit or a dj lover. If she wasn’t going to rid herself of the ridicule, she figured she might as well have the fun.

11 Responses to “hello my name is… by ingridfnl”

  1. jadamthwaite January 17, 2010 at 9:28 pm #

    Nice! You’ve really captured how that kind of constant, low-level mockery can bring someone down. I really like the conceit of Lindsay not being taken seriously because of her surname and that returning to her maiden name would solve the problem gives it a nice feminist undertone.

    • ingridfnl January 19, 2010 at 9:58 pm #

      I suspect that if it weren’t for her name, her employees would find something else to mock her for… 🙂

  2. typicalquirk January 17, 2010 at 9:55 pm #

    I think it is funny that we both had Walmart and leggings in our stories, but in a completely different way. I really like how John is kind of a douche too. Have you thought about what Lindsay’s maiden name would be? Just curious.

    • ingridfnl January 19, 2010 at 10:00 pm #

      I actually tried to figure out another horrible last name for her maiden name to show just how tormented she was by her husband’s name, but I couldn’t think of one. 😛

  3. zeptimius January 17, 2010 at 10:05 pm #

    Great stuff, there must be several Lindsay Lohans around. What would you rather be, an Albert Einstein or a Lindsay Lohan? I guess each name would present its own problems.

    • ingridfnl January 19, 2010 at 10:00 pm #

      I think so too. One you have to live up to another live past. 😛

  4. juleshg January 19, 2010 at 9:51 pm #

    I love how she waits until bed time to tell him about her decision and how she snuggles in behind him so she is talking to his back when she brings it up.
    She seems to have been waiting all day to mention this and wants to tell him at bedtime so they don’t have time for a long discussion.

    • ingridfnl January 19, 2010 at 10:01 pm #

      Ahem. Yes. Ahem. This wouldn’t be a tactic I’m familiar with though… 😉

  5. phoenix.writing January 23, 2010 at 9:34 pm #

    *grins* This was fun. I can well imagine how that would drive Lindsay slowly bonkers. Is she getting to a point where she’s going to say “screw it” and change her name with or without her husband’s approval?

    I’ve always been rather annoyed by the insistence upon the change of name (if for no other reason than because when I ask a guy if he’d be willing to change *his* name to his wife’s, it suddenly becomes the most bizarre concept ever), so I’m with Lindsay on this one–even if her reasons aren’t exactly the same as mine. 😉

    • ingridfnl January 23, 2010 at 10:48 pm #

      I do have a male friend who combined his last name with his wife’s. They now have the same last name which is derivative of both of their names. 🙂

      I think in some countries it is becoming more common to keep your maiden name (which is the father’s name… but … sigh… change has got to come *some* time). (I’m with Lindsay too. There must be real people whose names are the same as famous peoples. Would kill to *really* hear what their experiences are.)

  6. juleshg January 24, 2010 at 1:44 am #

    I hyphenated myname when I got married. I was very young and it seemed like a good idea at the time but it ended up being a pain in the ass. Unfortunately the longer name was used for my e-mail address and business cards at work so I was stuck with it even though it drove me nuts.
    When I returned from my first maternity leave I decided that the longer name was more trouble than it was worth and went back to my maiden name (I was starting a new job so it was the perfect time to make the change)
    Nine years later I have 2 kids and often refer to myself with my husband’s surname name socially or with the kids’ school. The only person that never uses my married name is my husband who thinks the entire debate is ridiculous.

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