one mother of a saturday by typicalquirk

17 Jan

Lindsay Lahann hit the snooze button. It was 11 a.m. and she needed to be at Ambercrombie & Fitch by noon. She hated being the weekend manager, but it was a hell of a lot easier than being a bounty hunter. And if anybody tried to steal, she had them in a half nelson faster than you could say crack whore.

Twenty minutes later, she was ready to make the five block trek to work. She stopped and picked up a non-fat latte at Starfucks as all her Hollywood friends called it. She walked into work wearing sunglasses and last night’s make-up. She was wearing leggings and a scarf, and at thirty-five she carried it off well.

The gum-popping cashier was talking on the phone to her boyfriend. Lindsay made the hurry-it-up motion. Mel covered the phone and said, “Lindsay, stop being such a bitch. You know I only get twenty minutes a week with Carlos on the phone. He’ll be out of jail in a month, so the calls will stop.” Mel resumed her phone conversation and handed Lindsay a letter.

Lindsay knew what it was before she even looked at it. Every Saturday she got a letter from the other Lindsay. Lohan believed that Lahann was her doppleganger. Lohan wanted to take Lahann’s brain and get a plastic surgeon to perform a brain transplant. Everyone in Hollywood knew that Lohan was a little eccentric and a lot coked up, but no one realized her true potential for mayhem.

Lahann sighed and put the letter down. Some Saturdays were worse than others, and this one was a mother. She had to unpack the inventory that the weekday manager conveniently “forgot” about, handle returns, enter the sales for the week, and deal with Mel.

At four o’clock Lindsay was in the back unpacking next season’s treasures when two men in dark suits interrupted her. They said nothing. Lindsay struggled the best she could, but was tasered within seconds. Her bounty hunting skills didn’t come close to these two meat heads and their Army survival skills. They carried her out the back door and threw her into the trunk of a dark sedan.

Lahann woke up a while later in a dentist’s chair with a plastic surgeon who had obviously seen the scalpel a few times himself standing over her with a surgery saw. Lohan was standing right beside her. Lahann tried to scream but was hoarse. Her wrists were restrained with two lovely orange scarves from her store. Lahann was truly terrified for the first time in her life.

Lohan, garish make-up and all, was reaching out to comfort Lahann. “Don’t worry sweetie, it will be over soon.” Lahann shrank back the few inches the scarves would allow her.

Lohan was crazy, but she was right about one thing. They did have a connection. They were the same people, but from parallel universes. When Lohan touched Lahann, there was a bright, pulsing light in the room and then darkness. Instead of the world ending, as scientists had predicted if this were ever to actually take place, something worse happened. It was unimaginably horrible.

There was still technology. Education. Culture. So what was missing? The moment Lohan touched Lahann, all the beauty products, fashionable clothes and make-up disappeared. Vanished. People were going to have to shop at Walmart for clothes and use Ivory soap. Nothing would ever be the same again.


5 Responses to “one mother of a saturday by typicalquirk”

  1. jadamthwaite January 17, 2010 at 9:59 pm #

    I love this take on Lindsay, and it’s really interesting that we’ve all gone in such different directions this week. Being handcuffed with ‘lovely orange scarves’ really struck a chord with me – it’s a lovely image.

  2. ingridfnl January 17, 2010 at 10:02 pm #

    I chuckled my way through this… all the while cringing to the true-life freakishness of hollywood. *loved* the line “…if anybody tried to steal, she had them in a half nelson faster than you could say crack whore.” 🙂

  3. Parenthesized January 17, 2010 at 10:53 pm #

    This made me laugh. Definitely enjoyed it.

  4. juleshg January 19, 2010 at 5:33 pm #

    Ingrid that was my favorite line as well. I also liked Starfucks. My friends call it St. Arbucks. Perhaps I need new friends…?

  5. phoenix.writing January 23, 2010 at 9:23 pm #

    LOL This made me laugh. I like the image of bounty hunter-turned-store manager who goes after the shoplifters. Oh, poor Lindsays. ^_^

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